Rock of Love, Episode 9

It’s a beautiful new morning on Rock of Love, and everyone is rejoicing that Krusty is finally gone. Bret’s note to the Ladies tells them there will be an elimination that night, and to help him make a decision, he has invited the Ladies’ exes to spill the beans on all their deep dark secrets. First up is Destiney’s ex-husband, Adam, who doesn’t look at all bikerish, which I thought he might. Destiney thinks he will have nice things to say about her. Jessica is upset that they brought in her ex, Casey, who treated her like crap. Megan’s ex, Josh, is a guy she dated for about 6 months, and whom she wanted to be her boyfriend, but he had another girlfriend he wouldn’t dump for Megan. Ambre is totally surprised that her good friend (and not an ex) Adam is there instead of her fiancé of 7 years. Bret interviews that he is kind of worried that they couldn’t get any of Ambre’s exes to come out for the show. Well, they are either very smart, as evidenced by no longer being with Ambre, or SPOILER ALERT signed iron-clad non-disclosure-of-Ambre’s-true-age agreements. Daisy is totally nervous to see her ex, Charles, who, to continue my habit of comparing people to the evil love children of two male celebrities, looks like the evil love child of Tommy Lee and Kid Rock.

Bret reveals that he has brought someone too, and the doors open to reveal last season’s Heather. In a nutshell, Heather’s job is to get the Ladies stinking drunk and help Bret pick someone to eliminate. Daisy interviews that she is nervous because there is something huge she hasn’t told Bret about Charles. What could it be?? Charles used to be a woman… Charles plays Bret Michaels in a Poison tribute band… Charles was created in a lab using genetic material from Tommy Lee and Kid Rock… I guess we have to wait until later in the show for this big reveal. If the past episodes are any indication, it’s probably something like Charles never got his wisdom teeth removed. Sigh!

Heather wastes no time, immediately repairing to the bar so the Ladies can do body shots, remove clothing, etc. She immediately gets Megan to cough up what Young Mancini had tipped me off to in the beginning of the season, namely that Megan has been on other reality shows, specifically Beauty and the Geek. Megan rats out Destiney behind her back as being on the show just because she is a rock and roll groupie, and throws Jessica under the bus for being too innocent to fit into Bret’s wild lifestyle of wig maintenance and Metamucil swigging. Jessica similarly bitches about Megan and Destiney. Mysteriously, no one is going after Daisy, but we haven’t had the “big reveal” yet.

Meanwhile, Bret drags the guys to a totally awkward sit-down at a cigar club. He hilariously interviews that guys don’t sit around discussing old feelings and wonders what he has done. Bret, honey, this was a conversation you should have had with the man in the mirror before you ever agreed to be on this show. No good dirt emerges until Josh, who looks like a tool in the Daniel Baldwin mode, tells Bret that Megan might date a guy just to get something from him. What does she think she’s going to get from Bret, cheap stripper clothes and a case of the clap? OK, that was uncalled for, but I couldn’t help it. Sorry, Bret, you brought it on yourself.

After a break, Daisy is a hysterically bawling mess worrying herself sick about her big secret, and grabs Heather to finally come clean. And here it is, people, brace yourselves: Daisy and Charles still live together in a one-bedroom apartment, even though they are not a couple. Yeah, that was just about as stupid as I predicted. Heather interviews that Daisy is a total blubbering train wreck. If this kind of stupid thing is all it takes to make her lose her marbles, I can’t imagine what a REAL problem would do to her! I prefer to think that Charles used to be a woman, so I’m going to go with that. Heather is incensed that someone would have the nerve to be living with their ex and trying to date Bret. Ho hum.

Speaking of Bret, he and the guys + Charles are chilling at Dave and Busters, a kind of amusement arcade with booze. Bret, for the record, is drinking a Corona in one scene, so I am free to dislike him again. Without the benefit of hearing Daisy’s Big Secret, Bret shows psychic abilities that are probably related to his recent chakra work, as he is convinced that she and Charles are still getting jiggy. Charles does not seem to flat out confirm or deny it. Bret channels his inner Winston Churchill (yeah, I didn’t know he had it in him either) and calls Charles “a conundrum wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a mystery.” More like a dips**t wrapped in a wifebeater, but who’s keeping track?

Back at the house, Jessica is plowed and is angry that everyone keeps calling her innocent. She eventually starts falling down and barfs and the other chicks have to literally carry her upstairs as she stumbles around dragging the others down with her. Bret arrives in the middle of this and calls her Pukey Pukerton, and seems fairly good natured about all of this. I imagine these types of things are not at all unusual for him, given the types of chicks he seems to like. I can’t be too hard on Jessica, mainly because I’ve probably been close to that state in the fairly recent past, so I will plead the 5th and move on to the next scene…

…which is Heather “downloading” Bret on the Ladies. Here is Heather’s view: Jessica is too young, Megan is an opportunist with a great rack, Ambre is cool but Bret’s lifestyle wouldn’t mesh with hers, and Destiney just wants to date a rock star. What’s she doing on Rock of Love then? Ba-dump-ump! Heather then reveals to Bret that Daisy still lives with Charles. What’s the big deal? I bet they’re just like sisters. Heather thinks Daisy is the worst one for Bret. Just to give both sides, Bret thinks Jessica is a young soul, Megan’s expression never changes, Ambre may be shocked by the goings-on aboard a tour bus, Destiney might go out with any guy in a band, and Daisy needs further questioning about the Charles situation. Bret “confronts” Daisy and Charles and asks Charles point-blank if he’s cool with Daisy possibly being Bret’s Rock of Love, and Charles says he is. Again, ho hum. Would some fisticuffs or an old-fashioned pistol duel have been too much to hope for?

Out next to the pool, Megan drunkenly realizes that Josh only came on the show to advertise the bar he owns (Chicago-based “Swig” in case you’re wondering – I’m sure it sucks) and this makes her cry. She bawls to Ambre about how he broke her heart by refusing to date her and Ambre tattles to Bret as soon as she can. Bret then summons Megan to his room to interrogate her, and we get a hilarious scene where he stares at her “great rack” while trying to find out if she is still hung up on Josh.

Jessica manages to make it to elimination, interviewing that she doesn’t remember the night but rallied. Ambre is confident because she didn’t throw up, she’s not a stripper, and she doesn’t live with her ex-boyfriend, and she is validated by being called first. Bret calls Daisy and tells her no more BS. She interviews that she still has stuff to tell him and she hopes she gets the chance. See, I’m right, Charles never did have his wisdom teeth removed! Ultimately Megan gets the boot, and freezes, staring at Bret with tears in her eyes until he finally drags her outside to get rid of her.

Next week: Bret brings Heather and the remaining Ladies to Vegas. God help us all!