Rock of Love, Episode 2

Dear readers, I want you to know how much I suffer in order to please you. I am forced to watch Rock of Love multiple times, pausing and rewinding all the while, in order to give you the most accurate recap possible. This means that I had to endure this episode’s peepshow far, far too many times, and I fear I have suffered permanent brain damage as a result. However, this will probably make me an even better candidate for a spot on Celebrity Rehab 2, so it’s all good.

Courtney finally wakes up and is informed that she was eliminated in absentia. Her reaction? “That sucks …. I’m a dumb f*** …. I’m a sweet girl, I’m a caring girl, but apparently I’m also a blackout drunk girl.” Sara apparently went on this show on a dare, which is the most sensible reason for being on it I have heard yet. Inna, who is outraged, deliberately tells Aubry, who has a big mouth, who runs straight to Bret to tattle. Did none of these dopes make it past age 12? Bret rationalizes this revelation away, because deep down he can’t believe ANY of these chicks are dumb enough to be on his show, but it makes him feel better to think that they truly want a chance to be his main squeeze. I also think Aubry is trying to pull “mirroring” on Bret by wearing a bandana in the same way he usually does. Either that or she has a wig too.

The “Ladies” learn that they are going to have to put on a talent show, which will take place in a peepshow-style booth, complete with giant fake coin box in case Bret particularly likes an act. Oh boy, this is going to degenerate fast. Gee, what would a houseful of skanky, shameless hos most likely do in a talent show designed to impress Bret “Open Up and Say … Ahh” Michaels? Let’s see:

Destiney: “I am gonna do Kung Fu.”
Angelique: “I’m going to show heem I can get nekkid un be sexy but I can alzo be like a good you know housewife so I cook like a chocolate mousse and a chocolate cake for eem.”
Sara: “I thought I should do belly dancing. I mean, granted, I’ve never done it before, but at least I’ll stand out.”
Ambre: “I’m wrapping myself up, because I’m really good at wrapping presents and stuff, and then I’m just gonna unwrap myself.”
Niki: “A poem. It’s kind of cheesy, but I’m good at cheesiness.”

It’s hard to believe these talented ladies haven’t been snapped up by the entertainment industry before now! Each Lady has a mere 30 seconds to impress Bret “Swallow This Live” Michaels, which freaks them out. Daisy is a little nervous because Bret is “like a god.” If that’s true I bet he’s Ovda, the deep forest god of Finland, who takes the form of a naked man with his feet pointing backwards, and dances or tickles people to death before he eats them.

Let’s sum up the “talents” and Bret’s reactions:

Aubry: plays drums in a “rhythmic-ish” way
Bret: “no token for you”

Destiney: turns Bret on a little with her “kick-a**” Kung Fu moves
Bret: gives her a token

Niki: reads her poorly rhyming poem (maybe she’s a big Walt Whitman fan and it was supposed to be free verse?)
Bret: “eh”

Korie: writes “merry me” on a flip chart (yes, that was it)
Bret: “misspelled, and that’s not good”

Christine: another lame poem
Bret: “not really lovin’ it”

Krusty: irons clothing
Bret: gives her a token – “I like a lot”
Krusty: starts taking off her clothes
Bret: “just pretend you’re ironing again, because that just f****** completely turned me on. I know people think I’m crazy but ironing does turn me on.” (I prefer dusting, myself)

Megan: turns 3 thongs into an American flag in a magic hat (no, it’s way stupider than it sounds)
Bret: gives her a token – “nothing can make me stand at attention better than the American flag”

Sara: belly dances for the first time without showing her belly at all
Bret: “very little effort”

Inna: ties cherry stem in a knot with her mouth as Bret humps the front of the booth
Bret: no token, but she gets an “I love you”

Ambre: unwraps herself
Bret: gives her a token – “more present, I need more present!”

Daisy: sings a song and gyrates
Bret: “I like Daisy a lot. I’m addicted. I don’t care. I don’t want rehab”

Peyton: sings and play guitar
Bret: gives her a token - “I love this woman, she is just cool”

Angelique: takes off her skirt, shows Bret the cake and the mousse
Bret: “just take it off”
Angelique: takes her top off and smashes herself against the booth
Bret: runs over to the booth
Angelique: er, um, how to put this, well, consumes some chocolate mousse in a very Rock of Love way (what, there was a huge “censored” box, use your imagination!)
Bret: can’t deny a spiritual connection

I am going to spend all day tomorrow picketing the French Embassy in retaliation for that little incident.

Just to prove he’s not entirely ruled by his nether regions, Bret picks Peyton, Daisy, and Ambre for the next day’s date. Krusty, despite her hot ironing act, gets scorned by Bret, because suddenly ironing is not a talent, except “maybe in Finland.” I KNEW IT! Krusty is understandably peeved. He specifically tells the Ladies not to go to bed early because he wants to party, so naturally Destiney, Jessica, Megan, and Daisy go straight to bed, breaking one of Bret Michaels’ Rock and Roll Rules. I’m dying to hear the rest of them! The sleepyheads “miss” an acoustic version of “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” and some minor drinking but otherwise made the wiser decision. In retaliation Bret decides to have an old-school dance contest the next night. They’ve been served!

Big John drags the Ladies out of bed the next morning and lectures them about not missing events because of a false sense of security in their VIP status. Destiney is worried sick that Bret is upset, so while Peyton, Daisy, and Ambre leave for their date, Megan, Destiney, and Jessica decide to make a card for Bret using Sharpies and glitter. Exactly how old are these people? Is this where that guy from To Catch a Predator is going to come crashing in? Because now I’m actually getting creeped out. Meanwhile the “lucky” Ladies get to go four-wheeling with Bret. What, there were no NASCAR races or monster truck rallies going on that day? Ambre thinks it’s one of the coolest things she’s ever done, and I feel sorry for her if her life has been that empty up until now. Meanwhile, back at the house, Inna and Angelique (whom Inna calls “Frenchie”) decide to kiss up to Bret by setting up the living room for the dance contest, and the busy cardmakers are hard at work.

Bret and the date ladies have lunch, but it would be way more amusing if Bret and some lunch ladies had dates. Ambre gets some one-on-one time because she’s not a musician, unlike Peyton, who seems reasonably talented, I must say, and Daisy, who comes from the Failed American Idol Conservatory of Music. I understand Ambre’s empty life when he asks her what she’s into and she tells him she likes to work out, hang out with her friends, and sometimes chill at home. Again, I’m a little creeped out, as she sounds like a 13 year old, and I know from junior high students because I actually taught seventh graders for two years. This does, however, explain a lot about the average “contestant” on this show. Ambre and Bret hold hands and make out and Bret gets “movement. Heavy heavy movement.” EEWW!!!!!!!! TMI, man, TMI!!!!!!! Blech.

Megan, Jessica, and Destiney are inordinately proud of the art project they have put together, and get all tarted up and sit by the door so they will be the first thing Bret sees when he gets back from his date. They are wearing very revealing, low-cut tops, and Jessica thinks they “make an amazing trio. Of brains.” Yes, BRAINS. Because I’m sure that’s the first thing anyone will think upon entering the house and seeing them and their prominently displayed “huge tracts of land.” Inna and Frenchie decide to make a similar display of brains, and then we get to watch the stupidest turf war in the history of reality TV, as the two groups of Ladies creep closer and closer to the door in an attempt to be the first ones Bret sees. And hopefully trips over.

When Bret finally gets home, we get the big reveal of the card that will restore Bret’s affection for the VIP Ladies who just couldn’t bother to “party” with him the night before. It’s a poster made out of cardboard and bandanas, and contains a lame poem so dumb I can’t transcribe it here. Wow, I’ve really become an angry recapper, haven’t I? I think I need some liquid attitude adjustment. Bret is thrilled that Inna and Frenchie set up his dance contest, and names these two judges. The prizes are special VIP passes that the winning Ladies can use strategically to spend more time with Bret. He specifically tells them the passes are to be used to steal him away from other chicks. I can hardly wait to see this in action. Frenchie and Inna are given absolute power, or maybe Absolut power, over awarding the prizes.

Idiocy ensues. Most of these chicks have no idea what the dances are supposed to look like, and I have to admit I have no idea in many cases myself. Krusty gets the “worm” and turns Bret on by mashing her tracts of land against the floor, but otherwise Bret is concerned that he has “a crop of bad girls here” – I can’t even think of reply smart-assed enough for that. Roxy owns the “funky chicken” and gives Bret hope; Daisy does the “pony” and earns herself a kiss on the navel and another declaration of Bret’s devotion. I bet she dumps him on national TV too.

Inna, Frenchie, Bret, and a bottle of vodka repair to Bret’s lair to decide the winners. Inna has no idea of the names of the other Ladies, and refers to them by the size of their chests. This is difficult for Bret, not only because most of the Ladies have huge fake boobs, but also because “between Angelique and her thick French accent and Inna, my Ukrainian love gun, I’m confused.” Bret does anticipate my most obvious joke, however, by saying that they reach a non-binding resolution, “much like the U.N. handles their problems.” You know, I bet the world would be a much more interesting place if we let Frenchy, Inna, and the bottle of vodka solve problems at the U.N. Roxy, Destiney, and Daisy are declared the winners, and then we go to the dreaded elimination.

Bret has to clear the air about Sara’s being there on a dare, as opposed to a sincere desire to be Bret’s soul mate, like everyone else. Sara denies it and Inna and Frenchie call her out, which should have led to a Jerry Springer-esque fight but sadly didn’t. Sara’s tour ends here. Bret calls Krusty to get her pass and she initially says no, just to fake him out, and then adds, “how does it feel?” with a snotty look. She better apologize in a way that involves lots and lots of ironing or she’s history next week! Bret calls Catherine a “girl,” which I’m sure she hasn’t heard since the end of WW2. Meow! Niki says that if she’s going home, she’s retarded. Get ready for Special Ed! She joins Sara and Korie in the Losermobile tonight. It's good to know that Bret does pay attention to things like bad poetry and a complete lack of spelling ability! Angelique attempts to French Bret as thanks for getting the last pass, and even Bret is scared by her serpentlike tongue, saying “that tongue [could have] made its way down my throat, all the way to my belly and tasted last night’s supper.” AAAAAAAAGH!!! That was definitely a mental image I will have to erase with a fresh drink pronto.

Next week: stroller derby with Lacey! Woo-hoo!